Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Punch Drunk

The Superstarra-ville Community Theatre's 'Ville Vaudevillians
an excerpt from:

Christie's Ongoing Adventures with the Children of America

Scene 1
Lights up on our heroine, Christie, sitting at her desk. She is smartly dressed today in a brown sweater and pink pants. Her full size Clapotis is draped across her shoulders. Her desk is a mess with paperwork and messages for the Assistant Principal. The phone is ringing. A half full cup of coffee and a pile of file folders almost fall as she reaches for the receiver. Just then, a gaggle of boys enters the office. One is crying, holding his elbow, the others follow behind.

Christie: Superstarra-ville Elementary, how can I help you?
To the boys: Who ever is hurt, stay the rest please go out to the yard.
Into the phone: 42. Yes, the answer is 42.

Christie listens for a moment then promptly hangs up the phone. The boys are now wandering around the office.

Christie [To the boys]: Who is hurt? Who is hurt?

The boy who is holding the hurt boy's arm answers.

Boy 1: He was runnin' and he was, and and...this...
Christie Who ever is hurt can to stay, the rest of you need to leave.

The boys pause for a moment, considering the request. The boys leave, except for the hurt boy and one who has a hold on his arm. Christie speaks to the unhurt boy.

Christie [To Boy 1]: Are you hurt? Are you hurt?
Boy 1: No.
Christie: Then you need to go outside.

Boy 1 stands staring.

Christie: Go. Go. Go. Go outside, thank you for bringing him, he's here, I'm going to patch him up, good as new, you won't even know it was him.

Boy 1 stand for a moment still holding the hurt boy's arm. He finally lets go and walks out of the office.

Christie [To Hurt Boy, pointing into the adjacent Nurce's Office]: Go in there, wash your arm, dry it and come to me, I'll give you a band aid.

The hurt boy stands for a moment motionless. Christie pushes the door open for him to walk through. He exits into the Nurse's Office.
Moments later, the boy comes back into the office, water dripping from his elbow.

Christie: Dry your arm. I said wash your arm, dry it and then come out here and I'll give you a band aid.

The hurt boy exits again. Minutes pass. Christie looks into the Nurse's Office. The boy is sitting in a chair staring at the wall.

Christie Are you done? Why didn't you come out here so I could give you a band aid?

Hurt Boy shrugs. Christie retrieves a band aid from her desk, patches the boy up and sends him on his way. She collapses in her chair and returns to typing.

Lights down. End of scene.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

This is just one example of how well the Children of America don't follow instructions. I've already yelled at three kindergarten students, had to deal with angry parents, four sick kids, three band-aid situations and it's only 12:20 on a freakin' Wednesday. WEDNESDAY!!!

Now I'm so off everything is funny. I'm going to take a walk, get in my right mind and try again to save the day from the evil clutches of the Children of America. Are they purposely trying to ruin my day or do they really not know how to follow directions?