Monday, May 09, 2005

Pity Party, Table for 1?

I'm feeling dissatisfaction with my life. I realized it when I was taking an onlilne quiz, of all things. As I was reading the questions and evaluating the available answers, I found that what I chose as describing me isn't what I would have used a few years ago, or even how I imagine myself. Am I really less interesting than I think I am? I immediately began to feel sad. Is there such a thing as personality regression?

I'm at a loss. There seem to be so many things in my life that need adjusting and fine-tuning. My job is mediocre, I'm not actively persuing my chosen profession, I don't make enough money...I am just left with a feeling of general malaise. I've been told a lot of self help rhetoric, but somehow that doesn't give me the comfort or motivation that I'm seeking. I don't need to know that the common denominator of my life is me. Or that if I know what I want, I just need to go for it. Nor that my ego is the cause of all my problems. Not that I expect the answer to fall like manna from the heavens either. I don't know what I need to make me lose this funk.

I've been told of a phenomenon called the Return of Saturn. As Saturn, the planet, takes 28 years to revolve around the sun, folks will go through a personal upheaval sometime between age 26-30. Once it begins, the affected person will go through a 'pre-midlife crisis' of sorts...wondering what your doing, evaluating where and who you are, etc. I've been told it ends within a couple of years. Mine started on my 26th birthday when I was at work and started sobbing uncontrollably when I received flowers from my very thoughtful sister. After that, I got a running start on a numbers of things: broke up with my boyfriend, moved out, had an agent, distroyed some relationships, made others in their place...all sorts of stuff. I wonder if I was truly done with it though. Or maybe I'm going through it again. How sad. Like the first time wasn't bad enough.

I've also been told that it's never too late to do what you want. Is that really true? Is there a point when it becomes a moot? I'm in my 30's and I want to act. I'm feeling as though it is a moot point. I have so many 'shouldas' and 'if onlys' on my back that it's hard to even have the need to think about pulling myself up by the bootstraps. Who has straps on their boots, anyway? It's all pointless, unless I at least try, right? Make an effort, right? Just give it a whirl, right? Right. Right. I'll get right on that. Next month, after I pay off a few things. Sure, I've heard me say that one before. I struggle with the thought that I'll always be in a pointless, low paying job. I'll always wish that I would have done it differently. I wish I could just be content with what I have. I wish that these things that dissatisfy me will just magically disappear. Unfortunately, they tend to multiply.

I am still at loss as to what to do, and I don't know if admitting this has made me feel any better.

I guess I just need to get all this stuff off my chest. Maybe if I seam Airy the Cardi, I'll feel better.